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#56
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill to the tune of: I'm a Lumberjack & I'm OK-sort of...
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill, met at a tourney out by the hill...
Bill said, "My boffer's matchless! My boffer can't be beat!"
Sally smiled demurely, and looked down at his feet.
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-Met at a tourney out by the hill.
Bill said, "I know your thinking, and that connection's old!"
"But if you're going to find the truth, you'll have to be more bold!"
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-Took a little walk around the hill.
The first sound that we heard from there was a loud gasp of surprise,
Then Sally screamed delightedly, "I can't believe my eyes!"
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-Didn't get far beyond that hill
Next we heard garb tearing , some groaning of desire
We were making book on who would be the first to tire!
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-Which would last out past that hill?
They started in to flailing along 'bout half past eight
Bill shouted, "Oh, my lady! Your taste for love is great!"
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-If one won't do it the other will!
Now quite a crowd had gathered, along 'bout half past ten
And every time they finished up, they started in again!
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-Has she finally got her fill?
There was a groan of ecstasy, and Sally said, "I've won!"
But her voice began to gurgle, Bill said, "I've just begun!"
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-You never seen the like, and you never will!
The fires all were burning low, as we took to our tents
We wondered if the hill could stand up long with all those dents!
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-Did she remember to take the Pill?
At dawn we were awakened, by screaming, moans and groans
The Baron shouted at that sound, "Come On, Bill, Roll dem' Bones!"
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-Still going at it behind the hill!
The tourney lasted three whole days, and so did Bill and Sal-
What a man of stamina! and what a bonny gal!
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-There among the daffodil!
When we packed for leaving, the noises suddenly ceased!
Had they finally finished, making the two backed beast?
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-Which one did the other one kill?
They staggered back around the hill, looked more alive than dead,
But, asked their destination, they chorused out, "To Bed!"
Sexpot Sally and Boffer Bill-Married ten years and they-still!
Charric Van der Vliet
AS22, Loch Wood, Far West Barony
11 NOV 87
#57
Hark, the Heralds Bravely Scream
to the tune of: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing
Hark, the heralds bravely scream,
Welcome to the knightly dream
Scadians sure party wild
Towns are sacked and nuns defiled
Hear the victor's joyful cries!
As his foeman bravely dies!
Drink your mead and kick a churl
As your banner you unfurl!
Hark, the heralds bravely scream,
Welcome to the knightly dream!
Hail the best of -------- knights (east-realm/An Tir whatever the foe is)
Bravely ran they from the fights
Want to live another day
They will be the last we slay!
Now there is the only one
Torturing's a lot of fun!
Hear him screaming out his life
While we steal his lovely wife!
Hark the heralds bravely scream!
Welcome to the knightly dream!
Form a shield wall at the war
We are braving many more
We know we cannot be beat
Cuz we're fast upon our feet!
Hit and run back in the wood
Dodge around and sting them good
Never let them pin you down
Get the one who wears a crown!
Hark the Heralds bravely scream,
Welcome to the knightly dream!
Charric Van der Vliet
AS22, Loch Wood, Far West Barony
1 DEC 87
#58
Seneschals We've Heard On High
to the tune of: Angels We Have Heard On High
Seneschals we've heard on high
Writing reports, what a pain!
And they never will reply
Ans'ring letters is a strain!
Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ry to the Bod!
Ans'ring letters is a strain!
See the pompous Herald cry
Prior to the court at night
Some names just can't be pronounced!
Death if it's not spoken right!
Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ry to the Bod!
Death if it's not spoken right!
Fighter jockeys swagger round
Swapping lies about the fight
The Chivalry are drunk as lords
Screams of passion fill the night!
Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ry to the Bod!
Screams of passion fill the night!
Charric Van der Vliet
AS22, Loch Wood, Far West Barony
December 1, 1987
#59
O, Little Nihonyama
to the tune of: O, Little Town Of Bethlehem
O, little Nihonyama
How still we see thee lie
Your warriors all have moved away
The silent ships go by
Yet in the dark streets shineth
The dreams of Chivalry
The fighting lord, the feast hall board
Are sleeping on Fuji!
O, little Nihonyama
I've watched you fade away
Though swords are very common here
With Kendo every day
Yet others may be coming
To swell your dwindling light
The hopes and fears of tourney beers
Are met in thee, tonight!
O, little Nihonyama
Soon I must go as well
Remember me down by the sea
Where once the fighters fell
And carry on the banner
That once was raised for thee
I love thee, Nihonyama,
But now I'm bound to sea.
Charric Van der Vliet
AS22, Loch Wood, Far West Barony
December 1, 1987
Note: This was the end of my time in the Far West Barony. Next stop: Hawaii!
#60
Master Sir Valeron Drones On
to the tune of : "Oompa-pa, Oompa-pa" from the musical "Oliver!"
Master Sir Valeron stands
There, he's got his voice on
And leans in a slouch on a pole of rattan!
His tongue has got the sunburn!
Now, when will this kuh-niggut learn?
Lord, what a long winded, bellowing man!
Chorus: Master Sir Valeron, talking all day!
Master Sir Valeron, what's that you say?
We all suppose that it's quite de-classe'
While you go droning on!
Master Sir Valeron
Just keep your shirt of mail on!
Shouting about in the heat of the day
Won't you take and shut it?
Your speech now, you should cut it!
Your fighters are eager to enter the fray!
(Chorus)
Master Sir Valeron
Your men, they feel so put upon
Their brains are baking 'cuz you talk so long!
If not for your prowess
We'd have quiet, like a mou-esse! (yeesh!)
All we can say is your lungs are sure strong!
(Chorus)
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Loch Wood (a floating land),
College of St. Phillip
9DEC87
#61
Oh, No! Duke Paul!
to the tune of: Godzilla
With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound
He brings a two ton hunk of rattan down!
Well armed fighters with sturdy shields
Take one look and bow to say, "I Yield"!
Oh, no! He says I've got to go! Oh, no! Duke Paul!
Oh, no! He's cracked my ten guage DO! Oh, no! Duke Paul!
I'm just a part-time fighter-bard!
You don't have to hit me quite that hard!
Have you ever heard of the game named GO?
If Duke Paul shows you better know! How to go!
Oh, no! He says I've got to go! Oh, no! Duke Paul!
Oh, no! He's not quite sane, you know! Oh, no! Duke Paul!
Better face it, you shire hicks
This is the big one, Bel-Bel-Bellatrix! Duke Paul!
Dig down deep and give it your best!
Though we know you're going to your rest!
Oh, no! He says I've got to go! Oh, no! Duke Paul!
Oh, no! Wish I'se back in Tokyo! Oh, no! Duke Paul!
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Loch Wood, near the College of St. Phillip
12 DEC 87
#62
Chiurgeon Blues
to the tune of St. James Infirmary Blues
They carried me down to the Chiurgeon
I saw my Lady Fair
I was lying on a long white kite shield
So bruised, so drunk, so there!
My Lady heard from the healer
"He's very low", he said.
My Lady then did agree with him,
"Especially in bed!"
They took me to the great hospital
To get some x-rays there
I said, "Thank my boss for the health plan"
"I don't mind the cost for care!"
The intern came back with the x-rays
His brow creased up with care
"How did you get all your ribs cracked?"
"At a simple Medieval fair?"
I told him the tale of our Dreaming
He shook his head, as some do-
And he said, as he taped up my chest hair
"No more fighting, awhile, for you!"
So, now, I just sit on the sideline
The field is barred now, to me
And I sing, and I'm sad, thinking of bouts I've had
And the songs of Chivalry....
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Loch Wood
#63
The First Time Ever I Saw Your Mace
to the tune of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"
The first time, ever I saw you mace
I saw the duct tape on the head
And I knew right then I was surely dead
But I tried, out of chivalry.....
The first time, ever I blocked your mace
I felt my shield break, from the blow
And I knew right them, I was next to go...
Tried to duck, but I was dead.....
The first time, ever I felt your mace
I saw it coming to fill up my eye slot
And my feet went aloft, but my helm did not
Hit the ground, and I saw the stars.....
The first time, ever I saw your mace....
your mace.....your mace!
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Nihonyama
December 24, 87
#64
Get In Front Of Me
to the tune of Eight Days A Week (Beatles)
Lord, I need your shield there
Guess you know it's true
Hope you need my pole arm
Much as I need you
Block high! I'll thrust low!
Keep close by, now we'll go
Lord, I need your shield there
Get in front of me!
Chorus:
Get in front of me!
I'll make them keep their heads down!
Get in front of me!
We'll show these kerns a fighting pair!
Love to fight in pairs, Lord!
It's always on my mind!
Searching for a shield man
Hoping that I'll find-
A stalwart, a shield man
Who will be my leige man
I love to fight in pairs, Lord!
Get in front of me!
(Chorus)
(repeat 1st verse)
(instead of chorus after repeat of 1st verse, vamp the words, "Get in front of me" three times)
Finis
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Nihonyama
25 December 1987
Merry Christmas!
#65
Everything's Medieval
to the tune of: Everything is Beautiful by Ray Stevens
Pages are the little Children
All the children in our world
Gules and Or, Sable, Argent
They will do just as they want
Pages are the little children in our worlde!
(Chorus)
Everything's medieval! In it's own way-
Like a can of soda might, if covered right, not
dismay!
Everyone's medieval! In their own way-
You can be a Japanese or just a European, today!
There is none so blind
As a fighter in his helm
We must not close the visor too soon
Or the smell will overwhelm!
For every tourney going by
I see my friends and fellows die!
Then we get back up and then
We kill each other off again!
(Chorus)
Charric Van der Vliet
AS22, Nihonyama
25 DEC 87
Merry Christmas!
#66
Here Comes the Hun
to the tune of: Here Comes the Sun by G. Harrison
(Chorus)
Here Comes the Hun (Do-n-do-do)
Here Comes the Hun (And I say)
It Was Light!
(Da-do-n-da!-do-n-da!-do-n-dah!-do-n-do-do-do!)
Little Marshall, It's been a long, cold, lonely journey
Little Marshall, It feels like years since my last tourney
(Chorus)
Little Marshall, you say you think that shot was good, now?
Little Marshall, I don't think you're even sane, now!
(Chorus)
Little Marshall, you say that dent is newly made, now?
Little Marshall, I got that in a panty raid!
(Chorus)
Hun, Hun, Hun, Here it comes!
Hun, Hun, Hun, Here it comes!
(Chorus)
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Nihonyama
25 DEC 87
Merry Christmas!
#67
Everyone's Fighting
to the tune of: Everything's Alright from Jesus Christ Superstar
Try not to get knocked down
Try not to expose your
Head in the melee, Oh-
(Chorus)
Don't you know
Everyone is fighting
Now for the prize!
And it's murdering in twos and threes
And the knocking sound is from my knees
Guard the right! And tell lies all about it tonight!
Wenches are there watching
Will you then, be worthy
Of all the lust in their eyes
(Chorus)
Warrior, your fine armor
Cannot now protect you
I am not cowed in the least!
Isn't your sword heavy?
Why don't you just lie down?
Then I won't have to be a beast!
I will be the victor,
You will be the vanquished
And all my might, you'll feel!
(Repeat first verse and Chorus)
Charric Van der Vliet
AS22, Nihonyama
1 JAN 88
Happy New Year!
#68
Why a......?
People ask me, "Why a Pig?"
It's such an awful boar!
You had to choose a Porcine sign?
We couldn't hate it more!
People ask me, "Why a Pig?"
"Why a Pig, indeed!"
"Could it be your manners?"
"Or just the way you feed?"
People ask me, "Why a Pig?"
I don't know what to do!
So I root around for answers, and
I grunt a lot, I do....
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Nihonyama
16 JAN 88
#69
I'm Charric Van der Vliet, I Am
to the tune of: I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am (Herman's Hermits)
I'm Charric Van der Vliet, I am
Charric Van der Vliet, I am, I am
I got beat up at the Pennsic War
I've been beat up many times, before
And every time I got beat up
I modified my armor once more
I'm a fighter jock named Charric
Charric Van der Vliet, I am!
-second verse, same as the first....
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Nihonyama
January 18, 1988
#70
Everybody's Tryin'
to the tune of: Everybody's Talkin' by Fred Neil
Everybody's tryin' to hit me
I don't hear a word their sayin'
Only the echoes from my helm! (2nd time skip to end)
People stoppin' starin'
They can't see our faces
Only the shadows of our eyes!
I'm goin' where the Dream is shinin'
In the pourin' rain
Goin' where an armor suit's my clothes
Banking off of an An Tir wind
Sailin' on a Caid breeze
Skippin' over the Far West, like a stone
(Jump back to top)
|: I won't let you leave my sword behind!, no- :|
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Nihonyama
18 JAN 88
#71
Those Were The Days, Back Then!
to the tune of: Those Were The Days by Gene Raskin
Once upon a time there was a kingdom
It started over 20 years ago-
Remember helmets made from tanks of freon?
And dreamin' of the mundane minds we'd blow?
(Chorus)
Those were the days, back then
We were just crazy men
We'd sing and dance, and not authentically
We'd boff the way we choose
And honor, win or lose,
Was all that mattered to the chivalry!
La, la, la-la, la, la
La, la, la-la, la, la
Those were the days, oh yes, those were the days!
The Horde was coming in and taking over
Yang the Nauseating was the key!
He'd be drinking as they took the women
And Bork was out there dying dramatically!
(Chorus)
Eddy up in An Tir made rebellion
To get fair treatment there beside the sea
And when they all said, "Eddy, you speak treason!"
He answered them by saying, "Fluently!"
(Chorus)
Then the busy years went rushing by us
Officers grew numerous, you see
Now you cannot hardly be creative
Without offending the bureaucracy!
(Chorus)
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Loch Wood
4 FEB 88
#72
BOD SAVE THE QUEEN
to the tune of: God Save The Queen
G Em Am D C D
Bod save the raging queen
G Em Am G Em
Long live the raging queen
Am G D7 G
Bod save the queen!
G D G
Let him fight randy, on
D7 G D
Like Richard Couer-de-leon!
G Am G D G C G
Long may he rage, codpiece on!
C G D7 G
Bod save the queen!
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Loch Wood
6 FEB 88
#73
Armor is a Guy's Best Friend
to the tune of: Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend
A Lady wearing Tudor,
May sigh, and say, "Just you, Dear!"
But armor is a guy's best friend!
A tumble may be grand
But that won't stop the hand
That makes you flat...
Or stuff like that!
Wenches grow cold as our rattan grows old
And we all lose our shield arms in the end
But brigandine or full plate,
Second hand or cut rate
Armor is a guy's best friend!
There may come a time
When a guy needs a favor
But armor is a guy's best friend
There may come a time
When a lovely lassy's flavor
Seems awfully nice;
But wear your "armor"
Or it's no dice!
She's your girl as you kick a churl
But beware the day your ranking doth descend;
It's then your lovely other
Runs back sneering to her mother
Armor is a guy's best friend!
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Loch Wood
6 FEB 88
#74
Vlad and The Oil Pot
to the tune of: British Grenadiers
Vladimir Vladmirovich, oh yes, and Vladmirov
What was the great commotion
What were you thinking of?
Oh, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, my Beamish Boy!
You shouldn't play with fire!
Now go and see the Chiurgeon,
Your fate is surely dire!
You saw the oil start burning,
And so you picked it up
Some slopped out on your hand from
The overflowing cup
Oh, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, my beamish boy!
You shouldn't play with oil!
It's sure you'll soon be shuffling
Off this mortal coil
With bushes all around you
You couldn't move about
And so the oil to your other hand
To beat the fire out
Oh, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, my beamish boy!
'Cause now the fire has spread!
Before just one hand burning where
Now there's two instead!
A nearby creek was gurgling
It's note did reach your ear
Dear Vlad, you'd better hurry,
The fire's getting near!
Oh, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, my beamish boy!
Your chances look so dim!
If only sometime in the past
You'd stopped to learn to swim
So there you stand now, dripping,
And also, burned to boot!
Is this what Cossacks do for fun?
I thought you'd fight and loot!
Oh, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, my beamish boy!
You're a gonner now, I bet!
But one thing's sure, the night you told me
Of this, you'll regret!
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Loch Wood
13 FEB 88
#75
On A Kingdom Throne
to the tune of: On The Cover of The Rolling Stone
I'm a big jock fighter and my shield is lighter
And I fight wherever I go
I sing about wenches and I sing about wars
And thrones that you should not stow
I get all kinds of thrills from my Medieval skills
But the thrill I've never known
Is the thrill that's got 'em when I put my bottom
On the cover of a kingdom throne!
(Chorus)
Kingdom Throne!
Wanna see the chivalry in action
Throne!
Wanna see the enemy in traction
Throne!
Wanna see my sittin' place
On the Cover of a Kingdom Throne!
Got a favor from a lady, she's a sexpot Sadie
And it's got a funky smell!
I keep it tied up in a leather bag
To sniff when I don't feel well!
Now it's all refined, so I don't mind
But sometimes it makes me moan!
'Cause she won't tumble until I rumble and
Win her a Kingdom Throne!
(Chorus)
Got a lotta little blue-eyed teen-age wenches
Who'll do anything I say
I read the "Book of Five Rings" cuz it's
Musashi's better way
A page is carryin' my armor
Into the killin zone!
And I keep on fightin' but the dust I'm bitin' and
I can't seem to win a Throne!
(Chorus)
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, Loch Wood
15 FEB 88
Thus endeth Book Four