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Back to Charric Van der Vliet Home Page
Volume Two
#20
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Baron McBroom
to the tune of Rocky Racoon
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Baron McBroom
Walked into his room
Only to find his Corpora
And cried out at fate
For he was to late
"The Scoundrels!" said he,
"Faith and Begorra!"
And as he scanned the page,
He shouted with his rage
At "weaklings, wimps, and
baby-bedwetters!"
"It can only weigh ten pounds!"
The Baron said, "Zounds!"
"You need more weight than that
For go-getters!"
And as he read along
His language growing strong
He bewailed the hours he'd worked
To make his rep in
For some silly sod
Had got to the BOD
And ruled out his magnificent weapon!
(Short guitar break)
Bip-bip-bip-boppity-bop
Bip-bip-bip-boppity-bop
And that began the Baron's Rebellion!
Charric Van der Vliet
AS22, June 18, 1987
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#21
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The Fighter
to the tune of "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel
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I am just a fighter, though my story's seldom told
I have squandered my inheritance, on a pocketful
of favors from
The ladies I have known-All lies and jest!
Still a fighter jock hears what he wants
And disregards the rest, mm-hmm
Time to fight! Time to put on my great helm
Time to fight! I must go defend the realm
From the mundane...
I was working out in armor
On a sunny summer day
When a constable came up to me
And he took away my sword and put the cuffs on me
This is a bust!
Cuz three inches is the maximum that the
Law permits round here...mm-hmm
What a bore! I can't go a wenching here
No Pennsic War! For at least another year
Come and set me free!
Well the judge he took a look at me
And he said, "It seems quite plain
That a man like you is blameless
For you're dressed so strange it's obvious
That you're quite insane!
Call in the shrink!
And in the meantime give him plastic knives and forks
To eat his meals...mm-hmm
Paranoid! Give him downers, give him tranks!
He's Schizoid! This one's in the upper ranks
Of nuttiness!
The Shire, they came and rescued me
And they told about our curse
When we left the Shrink was murmuring
"Mass Psychosis" to the walls while I did kiss the nurse
Free at last!
Still I hit the road, and kept on moving fast,
mm-hmm
(repeat first chorus)
Charric Van der Vliet
AS22, 18JUN87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#22
===================================
Good Morrow, Scadians!
to the tune of The City of New Orleans
(Good Morning America)
===================================
I went to see a strange new kind of fighter
Using sticks of duct tape wrapped rattan
To simulate a fighting style that was medieval
And I saw that lad get knocked right back on his can!
Though all of this was new to me
It wasn't long till I could see
That a man of mettle had to fight in steel!
And though my friends derided me
And a shrink was called by my family
I began a certain chivalry to feel...(and I sang)
Chorus: Good Morrow, Scadians! How are you?
Say, don't ya' know me,
I'm a filking son!
I'm a bard, yes, I'm the one who sings your story
And I'll filk a thousand songs fore I have done!
Drinking mead with Thorkell in the long house
The others here do all they can to snore
I have to go and fight in just four hours
Hangover's just my way of making sure
That when they take a shot at me
I will in the right temper be
Cuz no one round here's gonna hit my helm!
I'll not allow a single shot
To the aching pate of this old toss-pot!
To save my head I'll beat any man in the realm!
(Chorus)
Filking songs as we travel to the tourney
Singing tunes a time or twenty three!
Telling tales of dragons that are shaggy!
I wonder what the punch-line will be?
With comrades at an inn so fine
We drink a toast or two in wine
Here's to the men who fight for ladies love!
I'm saddened as we leave, but then
We will be travelin' back again
To hear our hosts a-callin to us from above
(Chorus)
Charric Van der Vliet
AS 22, 19JUN87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#23
===================================
Arimanthra's Song
to the tune of "Let It Be"
===================================
When I find myself in melee battle
Arimanthra calls to me
Bellowing her call of
"Victory!"
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right across the field
Shouting out encouragement,
"Make 'em yield!"
Chorus:
Give 'er wine!
Give 'er mead!
Give 'er everything she'll need!
The Iron Maiden's Viscious
At the tourney...
And though the night is cloudy
She has brought a tarp to cover me
Let it rain tomorrow
At the tourney
For then I will not have to face them
All the fighters I've done wrong
With my nasty, twisted, filking song
(Chorus)
When she joins us in her armor
It makes me feel so safe and warm
Love to see that Iron
Maidenform....
When Arimanthra climbs your wall
In her teeth an iron knife
Might as well say goodbye
To your life...
(Chorus)
CVV
AS 22, 19JUN87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#24
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Tuchux Apology
to the tune of "Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie"
===================================
I'd been brought before into a fight
By a Baron, one unholy knight
Who didn't like the way I wrote my song
And this is it, the story true
I ask you would I lie to you?
How a Tuchuk did confound the Baron before long
It looked like I was in a mess
As the King's court asked me to confess
The fear inside me grew
As the Baron brought his crew
They were armed and big and ugly mean
Such a Devil's crew I'd never seen!
And then the Count came and questions threw
While I began to sing, (and I was singin')
(Chorus)
Bye, bye, to the wenches who watch
Tried to drive another rivet but the job is a botch
Them good ol' boys was drinkin' Glennfiddich Scotch, singin
This'll be the day that you die!
This'll be the day that you die!
Now did you write that book of filk?
A pox on all your bardic ilk!
When you sit down to write you nasty little runes!
And did you not come out and say
Those thoughtless words in your thoughtless way?
We both know you will die now for you tunes!
And while the Count was counting down
A Tuchuk took the Royal Crown!
The King's Court was adjourned
And then the Baron learned
That the Tuchuk made off with his wench
And tied her to his drinking bench
The Baroness said, "I might be French,
But these are real men!" (And they were singin')
(Chorus)
CVV
AS22, Nihonyama, Far West Barony
24JUN87
#25
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Ragnar the Redneck Viking
to the tune of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Rein-deer"
===================================
You know Eric and Leif, and Olaf and Harald
Alfraed and Rolf, could be mean as they barreled
Through, into the Med-but who was the viking they fled?
Ragnar, the Red-neck Viking
Had a very shiny sword
And if he ever saw you
He would pop you in the gourd!
All of the other vikings
Used to run when he came round
They'd never meet poor Ragnar
On the fighter practice ground!
Then one foggy Samhain Eve
Odin came to say
Ragnar, with your sword so bright
Won't you trim my beard tonite?
Then all the Vikings loved him
As they shouted out with glee
Ragnar, the Red-Neck Viking
You'll go down in history!
CVV
AS22, 22JUN87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#26
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The Non-Combatant's Song
to the tune of Arlo Guthrie's "Motorcycle Song"
===================================
I don't want rattan
I'm a non-combatant man
And I don't want no steel
Just wanna purty wench to feel
And I, don' wanna die!
Just wanna sit back and watch the figh- -ting
I don' want no sheild
Just wanna have a lady in the field
And I don' wanna stink
Just wanna have a little mead to drink
(Chorus)
I don' care for battle
Makes my brains in my head to rattle
And I don' care for wars!
Let's build a fire and cook some smores!
(Chorus)
CVV
AS22, 18JUN87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#27
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The Coward's Song
to the tune of : Eatin' Goober Peas
===================================
Sittin by the list field on a summer day
Chattin' up the wenches, passin' time away
Lying in the the shadow, of an old oak tree
Goodness how delightful, cowardice can be!
Chorus: Flee,flee, flee, flee
Tourney's not for me
Goodness how delightful
Cowardice can be!
Once I put on armor, just to try my hand
For every blooded fighter swore that combat's grand
But when the fight was over, my foe cried victory
I ended where I started out, underneath the tree
(Chorus)
Once a nasty fighter, on my destruction bent
Sought high and low to locate me
While I hid in his tent!
I found his wench at home, she
Responded passionately!
Goodness how rewarding,
Cowardice can be!
(Chorus)
Now I've got my own song, for all the bards to sing
And weighed down in his armor, no fighter does a thing!
For I can just out-run them with their turned up armored nose!
I show my heel is shoes with pretty turned up toes!
(Chorus)
CVV
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
AS22, 26JUN87
#28
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Out on the Eric
to the tune of Down In The Valley
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Out on the Eric, Eric so small
Look at your foeman, He is so tall!
Hear the bell tolling, Ask not for who...
Hear the bell tolling, Tolling for you!
You look at the Marshall, He's calling lay on!
You look at your foe and He's beating upon
His shield and then, some fear you have felt
Cuz you have noticed, he wears a white belt!
Still you resolve you will give it a try
But then as he swings you know you must die
For his snap is rising, not going below
Now your head's ringing! Hear the great blow!
(Clank!)
Hear the great blow! (Clank!)
Hear the great blow! (Clank!-Clank!)
Your head is ringing,
Hear the great blow! (Clankety-clank-clank CLANK!)
CVV
AS22, 26JUN87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
Note: The clanks are made by a pre-arranged fighter playing the part of a pell, and a drummer using a
rattan sword and the pell-boy for a stick and drum...
#29
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Oh, Scadians!
to the tune of: Oh, Shenanndoah!
===================================
Oh, Scadians! I long to hear you,
Way-hay, my noble gentles!
Oh, Scadians, I can't be near you,
Way-hay! I'm bound away!
'Cross the deep and blue sea!
Oh, Scadians! I love your daughters,
Way-hay, my noble gentles!
They live across the stormy waters,
Way-hay! I'm bound away!
'Cross the deep and blue sea!
Oh, Scadians! I miss the tourneys!
Way-hay, across the water,
I miss the fighting in my journeys
Way-hay! I'm bound away!
'Cross the deep and blue sea!
Oh, Scadians! I'm bound to leave you,
Way-hay, my noble gentles
Oh, Scadians, I'll not deceive you,
Way-hay, I'm bound away,
'Cross the deep and blue sea!
CVV
AS22, 26 JUN 1987
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#30
===================================
I Was Born About A Thousand Years Ago
to the tune of "I Was Born About Ten Thousand Years Ago"
===================================
I was born about a thousand years ago
And there's nothing that's Medieval I don't know
I saw Arthur and his knights
Out a-flyin' Chinese kites
And I'll whup the guy who says it isn't so
I saw Charlemagne a-takin over France
Even tho he didn't own a pair of pants
I hear Roland blow his horn
And just as sure as you were born
To the rear he was a-leadin' the advance
I watched the Normans massing on the coast
To make good on a Conq'ring Bastard Boast
But tho they made some room
I stayed in Europe at a tomb
Where I chatted up Lucretia Borgia's ghost!
I saw Sir Humphrey take on Robert Bruce,
But the Scot was mad at Bohun type abuse
So he took his battle ax
(These are the real facts!)
And did Humphrey's head and helmet some misuse!
I watched King Henry eating his repast!
With him a meal could disappear so fast!
While he watched the headsman swing
He would eat a chicken wing!
With Henry food and women never last!
Now each word I've had to say is bonny true!
I ask you kind, now, would I lie to you?
It's all gospel, friend,
And if it's not then let it end!
(Long Pause)
Oh, what's a bardic guy like me to do?
CVV
AS22, 26JUN87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#31
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This Dragon's Been To Tourney
to the tune of : This Train Is Bound For Glory
===================================
This dragon's been to tourney, draggin'
This dragon's been to tourney, draggin'
This dragon's been to tourney,
Though it was a longish journey
This dragon's been to tourney, draggin!
This dragon's old and baggy,
Heard too many tales of dogs so shaggy
This dragon tale is longer,
And the bard is going stronger
This dragon's carried armor
So far it don't seem to harm 'er
This dragon's seen some
As they heated up her benches
This dragon's heard some liars
And she's see depraved desires
This dragon's bound for Pennsic,
Tho the crew is schizophrensic
CVV
AS22, 26JUN87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#32
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To My Beloved Enemy
===================================
I love my armored brother
Weaponed as am I
He wears my inner darkness
So I fight myself and die
Magic needs blood sacrifice
I need a good solution
My brother wears my sins and then
His death's my absolution
What greater love hath man than this
My sacrificial dove?
So now it's off to feast at last
Reborn again, to love.
CVV
AS22 2JUL87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#33
===================================
Drill, ye Chivalry, Drill
to the tune of: Drill, ye Tarriers, Drill
===================================
Ev'ry weekend we practice well,
And come down heavy on the carpeted pell
And the Marshall comes along, and he says work hard
Or you'll never be sung of by a Royal Bard!
Chorus:
Drill, ye Chivalry, Drill
Drill, ye Chivalry, Drill
It is practice this way, or
Lose it in the fray
Come the tourney day! So,
Drill, ye Chivalry, Drill
And sweat-and groan.
I worked so hard for the tourney day
Just to have my victory snatched away
By a squire with a vicious rising snap
I floated to the ground and I took a little nap, and heard-
(Chorus)
We go to see the wenches, when we're done
For when workin's over, it's time for fun!
But wenches all will say to you
What they want for men like us to do! They say,
(Chorus)
CVV
AS22 3JUL87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#34
===================================
I'm Going To Be Demolished Today
to the tune of: Nobody knows the Trouble I've Seen
===================================
Chorus:
I'm going to be demolished today!
I'm going to be be-headed!
I've gotta fight a white-belt lord!
Whatta way to die!
I trained so hard, but it's no use!
I'm dead lord!
For he's so fast I'm sure to lose!
I'm dead lord!
I shouldn't have made that pass today!
I'm dead lord!
But his lady looked at me that way,
I'm dead lord!
If he hadn't seen us with my hand
I'm dead lord!
Up her dress out on the strand!
I'm dead lord!
CVV
AS22 3JUL87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#35
===================================
Pick a Fight in Armor
to the tune of "Pick a Bale of Cotton"
===================================
Chorus:
Gotta jump down, spin around, pick a fight in armor
Gotta jump down , spin around, with a sword or two!
Gotta jump down , spin around, pick a fight in armor
Gotta jump down , spin around, with a sword or two!
Time for us to go to war, in sight of ladies we adore!
See your foeman, 6 foot 2? He's gonna make you black and blue
Try to block but it's a fake! I hope your helmet doesn't break!
Yer flyin' back into the air! My boy-o life is just not fair!
At Irishmen and Welsh I've raved, but truly Scotland is depraved!
Danes and Vikings at my back, I'm off to fight at Ragnorak!
Norman pig! You Saxon Dog! Ol' Harold's just a hairy hog!
Want more verses, write your own, the author's done enough alone!
CVV
AS22, 3JUL87
Nihonyama, Far West Barony
#36
===================================
Boaring At The Gate
===================================
I rode a silver sailing ship
To go see Warrior's Gate
To test their Warrior's mettle
Be it ring or plate
The Captains at the gate-house
Gave me room to lie
Although I can but tell the truth
Crossed heart, and hope to die
The Baron had his lady there
And she was passing fair
She gave me coffee as I grumbled
At the morning air
A Countess came to see me
Who's known both far and wide
The smiling cat unnerved me
A mouse who could not hide
Kirk came in and brought a friend
A fellow named Typhoon
And the gamesters of Triskellion
Packed it in that afternoon
Dawn came and brought a gnome attack
The Gate-house floor was breached
We retreated and were safe at last
As the Burger King we reached
He gave us shelter from the storm
Though he made us pay our way
This story's not a whopper
There is truth in what I say
Parting sadly, I took myself
To reach my ship that day
But to my surprise, I found myself stuck
My ship had sailed away
The army took me in and tied
Me up with tape so red
And shipped me by the Parcel Post
The stamps upon my head
Riding down the Typhoon's path
The fallen trees we passed
I was delivered "Postage Due"
And reached my home at last.
CVV
AS22 / 2SEP87
Loch Wood, Far West Barony
#37
===================================
Warrior's Gate Memorial
===================================
Two Captains stand at the gate!
A few men at their rear
"The frontier's holding!"
They swear on the molding
"Be the price so dear!"
Two Captains stand at the gate!
Two Captains stand at the gate!
They face a faceless mass
Their duty's plain
To stand in pain
And say, "They shall not pass!"
Two Captains stand at the gate!
Two Captains stand at the gate!
The danger now long past
Their statues stand
In a gratefull land
Supporting them at last!
Two Captains stand at the gate!
CVV
AS22-1SEP87
Loch Wood, Far West Barony
===================================
End of Book Two
===================================