Tarquin’s Memory

The CVV Songbook –

Volume Eight
- or –

“Ain’t That Great?”

The Porta-Potty Song

G C G
Thorholla doesn’t drink much, except for once a year

D
When she goes to Pennsic War, she raises lots of cheer

G C
Wine, liquor and the rest, that’s the time she like’s ‘em best

D C D G
All washed down with quantities of beer.

Beer makes it’s presence known, you can’t buy it, it’s on loan

And as they went to shower, Caitlin knew

And Thorholla did agree…they needed…the facility

Unto the porta-potties they did go.

Now Caitlin had a problem, for she had too much gear

And so she said, “Thorholla? I really much do fear,

For I have all of this stuff, and no place to put it here!

Tell me what to do my dear Thorholla!"

(and a woozy voice from the next stall over said...)

"There's a Shelf in the porta-potty, it stands upon the right,

A Shelf in the porta-potty, you can't see it without light,

My toothbrush and my comb, they do have a happy home,

There's a Shelf in the porta-potty on the right!"

Charric Van der Vliet – Shire of Dragon’s Vale – AS 30

Tarquin’s Memory

C G D G

I heard it said, the King enquired, that Tarquin got too bold

C G D G

That at the after reveling, he was seen, or so I'm told

C G C D G

So Tarquin, now, explain yourself, come tell us all the tale!

G D C D G

Let the chips fall where they may, you're looking awfully pale...(and Tarquin said:)

C G

Chorus: I'm usually too drunk to remember,

C G

Or else I wasn't there

C G

I don't remember where it was,

C D G

It must've been Eldormere...

Here now, Tarquin, said the Queen, I heard a different tale

They say you started the feast food flying, you unrepentant male!

And when the tables rocked and shook, they said you were to blame

I'd hate to think you were the one to earn us such a name (and Tarquin said:)

(Chorus)

Then said the Earl Marshall, I've heard a tale or two

And many are the tales I've heard, how many were of you?

Or was it that Squire Meech-ko, I hear his face is like

Should it be that wretched lad our justice now should strike? (and Tarquin said:)

(Chorus)

The Minister of Arts and Sciences said, Tarquin, what’s that smell?

They said that it was alcohol, but I really couldn’t tell!

The Herald joined in, Tarquin! What’s that rope upon your shield

Round the neck of chicken? Should we see that on the field?

(Chorus)

Next came the Kingdom Chiurgeon, saying, That must hurt a lot!

How’d you jam it way up there? That must hurt quite a lot!

Next came the local Chatelaine, with a newspaper in hand

“How could you say we’re into pain!? Such tales aren’t in demand!”

(Chorus)

Then they heard from the Seneschal, “This contract will not go!

You cannot keep on signing for the Midrealm, Lord John Doe!”

Then his wife threatened Tarquin’s life, “Such doings will not do!

You’ll remember to wear your cup in future, or I’ll have no use for you!”

(Chorus)

Charric Van der Vliet

AS 32 - 18DEC1997

House Silvermoor - Barony of Red Spears

Pennsic Crunchy Frog

Am D Am D Am D Am D

Ooh! Ah! Oh-my-God! Ooh! Ah! Oh-my-God!

Part I

Ooh! Ah! Oh-my-God!

My head drops, I want to nod,

But our neighbors sound so odd!

Ooh! Oh-my-God!

Part II

Slap & tickle, scrape and moan,

In a wailing sort of tone,

I’m stuck sleeping all alone!

Ooh! Oh-my-God!

Part III

Screaming, Flailing, Tent on Fire!

They’re far gone in their desire!

Will they never cease or tire?

Ooh! Oh-my God!

Part IV

Ooh! Ah! Oh-my-God!

(This is performed as a four part fugue, to the tune of “There was an old woman and there was an old man”)

Charric Van der Vliet

Pennsic XXIX

The Dernhelm Calypso

– to the tune of “Hai Calypso” by John Denver

We went to the woods just to fight a woods battle

His helmet was twisting around on his head

Finally caught with his ear in an eyeslot

Hit with rattan, he declares, “I am dead----“

Chorus: Dernhelm Stonecrusher, his strength is tremendous!

He stands like a mountain with limbs like a tree!

Dernhelm Stonecrusher, his speed is stupendous!

But no one can battle what eyes cannot see…

He rips off his “Dern Helm!” in angry frustration,

His “Dern Helm!” the reason that now he must go,

He angrily bashed it into a stone outcrop

Smashed stone to powder with one mighty blow!

(Chorus)

He comes to the tourney and stands on the field

Sword lofted high with his shield below

The light shining brightly upon his new helmet

It will not be moving from anyone’s blow!

(Chorus)

Charric Van der Vliet

AS 32

Barnsdale Fair

Em Am Em

I’ll tell you a tale of Barnsdale

Em Am Em

By Alan-a-Dale of old

Em Am Em

A mighty tale of Robin in the Hood

G Em

And his merry men so bold,

G Em

And his merry men so bold-

G Em

Chorus- Lift your flagon from the table

G C Em

Take a drink for freedom there-

Em D G D

Come and strike a blow for Richard!

Em G Em

Come, to Barnsdale Fair!

At Barnsdale Fair, there’s a tournament,

A great prize to be won!

A golden arrow will be the victor’s prize!

Says Robin Hood, “Oh, what fun!”

(Chorus)

Prince John’s laid a trap there,

And baited it with pride

He sits enthroned on a stolen chair

Maid Marion by his side,

Maid Marion by his side-

(Chorus)

The finest archers in England

Are shooting at the pits

The finest Norman fighters wait there,

To hack Robin Hood to bits!

(Chorus)

Come the final shooting

It’s a tinker and a guard

Will Robin Hood’s freebooting

Bring him to a death that’s hard?

(Chorus)

The Tinker splits the arrow

Gets the golden one from his Maid

And the Merry Men bold sweep down on the lot

Giving quarterstaff blows in trade!

(Chorus)

Robin sweeps up his Maiden

To the Greenwood they do ride

Robin Hood, and his Merry Men bold,

Maid Marion by his side!

(Chorus)

Charric Van der Vliet

Unicorn Hunter

C G D G

I’m a unicorn hunter very down

C G D G

For I cannot run a unicorn to ground

C G D G

I searched all round, but I searched too late

C D G

And I find no unicorn bait!

C G

Chorus: Wantons, jades and wenches,

D G

Working girls and more

C G

Some they call “Camp Followers”

C D G

And her? She’s just a bore!

I’ve hunted unicorns for years

And many were the maiden’s tears

Many traps baited till the morn

But I never caught a unicorn!

Chorus: I’ve broken through a Snow Queen’s ice

I haven’t caught the pox, (well, once or twice),

I’ve had some happy and some forlorn

But I never caught a unicorn!

Now I’ve married, I’m retired

And no more maidens are required

But if you maidens would not wait,

My son could use some unicorn bait! (Oh, yeah!)

My son could use some unicorn bait!

Charric Van der Vliet

William of Fairhaven

D A D

Comar, he spoke to his attentive squires

G D

Listen now, well, on this day

G D

If you are told that you are doing wrong,

A D

Then here is what you are to say-simply say

G D

Chorus: I am William of Fairhaven

A D

William the Marshall, am I, am I

G D

I am William of Fairhaven

A D

I'm really one heckuva guy!

The first squire went to a tourney and played there

And stepped on a fair lady's dress

When her lord tasked him, the squire replied,

My lord, I must really confess: (Chorus)

The next squire went to a tourney and played there

And though the blows all fell like rain

The squire replied, when the marshalls all sighed,

You know that I cannot feel pain! (Chorus)

The third squire went to a tourney and played there

And drank down an untended beer

Then blew off the brass hat who then got offended, saying,

I'm not afraid of a peer! (Chorus)

A large group of people came up to Sir William, saying,

Where lies Sir Bill? He will die!

But William, he pointed his finger at Comar, and said,

I cannot tell a lie!

Chorus II: There lies William of Fairhaven

William the Marshall, no lie, no lie

There lies William of Fair haven

He's really one heckuva guy!

Charric Van der Vliet

AS 33

House Silvermoor-Barony of Red Spears

Morgath-

(Sir Ivar's Evil Twin)

Em G Em D Em G D Em

Chorus: He's headin' for Valhalla for to conquer Odin's Hall

Em G Em D Em G D Em

He's mounted Bifrost to the Gate, Thor's back's against the wall

C Em C Em

He's big and mean and hairy and a belted knight as well

C Em Em G Em D Em G D Em

Morgath, strikin' back at you, from the coldest part of Hell

He likes to use his iron swords, too heavy for a man

But where another drops his guard is where Morgath began

He'll hit you while you're waiting for the fighting to begin

Where another's givin' up- that's where Morgath will win!

(Chorus)

Sweet he is to ladies and he will not tell a lie

But if you stand upon his path, you know you gotta die

Freya's wavin' from a tower, Loki's runnin' fast

Cause Morgath's comin' to the hall-and the Aesir cannot last!

(Chorus)

by Charric Van der Vliet

AS 32

House Silvermoor-Barony of Red Spears

Gypsy Ranger

To the tune of: Gypsy Rover

G C G D

The King came back from a battle in the wood

G C G D

Said I've a tale to tell you

G C G Em

Your King was attacked by four strong men

G C G - D - G

Duke Moonwulf saved the life of the King!

G C G

Chorus: And that's the way of a legend

G C G D

That's how a story may grow

G C G Em

Swords whistled and they sang till the helmets rang!

G C G - D - G

Duke Moonwulf saved the life of the King!

The Count walked into the party,

Said, I've a tale to tell you

Your king was attacked by eight strong men

Duke Moonwulf saved the life of the King

(Chorus)

The Knight walked into his campground

Said, I've a tale to tell you

Your king was attacked by sixteen men

Duke Moonwulf saved the life of the King

(Chorus)

The Squire spoke-in the campfire light

Said, I've a tale to tell you

Your King was attacked by thirty-two men

Duke Moonwulf saved the life of the King

(Chorus)

Duke Moonwulf walked into his own camp

Said, I've a tale to tell you

I almost died in the woods today

Duke Moonwulf was saved by the King

(Chorus)

by Charric Van der Vliet

AS 32

House Silvermoor-Barony of Red Spears

Darkmoon Don't Dance

G C G D

Once there was a Darkmoon Lad, brave and proud and strong

G C G D

And when enemies would stand 'fore him, they wouldn't stand for long

G C G D

Ladies all would go for him, and ask him for a turn

G C G D G

But he just stood immobile, and said, there's somethin' that you gotta learn:

Chorus: (Spoken:) Darkmoon- don't dance!

G C

(Sung) Don't sing, don't sew, don't prance

G C

We ain't no fancy-pants

G D G

And Darkmoon doesn't dance!

Many tried to change him, they'd go round in a ring

A galliard or a hole-in-the-wall,(One tried a highland fling!)

"You'd better get the picture, boy, or you'll never be a peer!"

or, "You must, if you'd be noble!", or, "If you do, you'll get a beer!"

(But he said,)

(Chorus)

A very sexy lady who danced belly dance and such

Danced around the fire and said, "I like you, very much"

And then she touched his...elbow...and then she touched...his knee...

And speaking very breathless, said, "Why don't you...dance...with me?"

(And he said,)

(Chorus)

Then she whispered in his ear, and we saw his face go red

And we wondered what the message was, the lovely lady said

Cause then his feet began to move, it seemed he'd crossed a line

And all the rest of the evening, he was dancin' mighty fine!

(Although he'd said,)

(Chorus)

Silly Song

G D

I’ll make some verses just for fun, not of myself nor anyone

G C D G

Nor of great deeds that knights have done, nor lovers true

G C D G

I wrote them riding in the sun. My horse helped too.

When I was born I’m not aware, I’m neither gay nor in despair

Nor stiff, nor loose, nor do I care or wonder why

Since meeting an enchantress fair, bewitched am I.

Living for dreaming I mistake, I must be told when I’m awake

My mood is sad my heart may break, such grief I bear!

But never mind, for heaven’s sake, I just don’t care!

I’m sick to death, or so I fear, I cannot see but only hear

I hope that there’s a doctor near, no matter who!

If he can heal me I’ll pay dear, if not, he’s through!

My lady fair is far away, just who or where I cannot say,

She tells me neither yea nor nay, yet I’m not blue:

So long as all those Normans stay far from Poitou!

My distant love, I so adore, though me she has no longing for,

We’ve never met and furthermore, to my disgrace

I’ve other loves, some three or four, to take her place!

This verse is done, as you can see, and by your leave dispatched ‘twill be

To one who’ll read it carefully, in far Anjou

It’s meaning he’d explain to me – if he but knew!

Words by Duke William IX of Aquitaine (Eleanor of Aquitaine’s Grandfather)

From “Medieval Europe – A Short History” by C. Warren Hollister

Music by Charric Van der Vliet

Sergeant Taylor

Chorus: Sgt. Taylor, will you fight with me

G Am

Sgt. Taylor, will you fight with me

We’ll hack and slash and burn and slay

G Am

All the enemies of our Barony!

Drunken fools and artistic jewels

Say arts are all you care for!

But enemies invade our land

And soon enough they’ll dare more!

(Chorus)

Call together your fighting men!

From Oakford to the Border-

Call the levees out from the Marsh

They’ll sing in Battle Order-

(Chorus)

Artisans must show their style

To clothe our armored fighters!

Our Brewers must keep spirits high

When Sergeants pull all-nighters!

(Chorus)

Archers hold the gay green wood

There’s fencers in the alley

Servers in the feasting hall

The cooks are in the galley!

(Chorus)

The Way He Looks At Her

(For Bear and his Lady in Aethelmarc)

G C G

Once a lady told a Lord

That she was simply plain

G C G

Although he tried to tell her no

C D G D

Her faith he could not gain, but

G C G

Chorus: It’s in the way he looks at her

The way he sees her smile

G C G

It’s in her lover’s fond embrace

C D G

That loves her all the while

He fought and won great battles for her

Beauty drove his sword

Her loving eyes inspired him

To say how he adored –

(Chorus)

She could not see she was beautiful

Although he called her fair

She could not see what all else could

The loveliness was there –

(Chorus)

Charric Van der Vliet

Candlemas, AS 32

Watch Out For Camels!!!

G C D

The King had a handsome young squire

G C D

All clad in the finest attire

G C

That Camel let fly, and caught him right in the eye

D G

They say it thought that he was on fire!

Chorus: Watch out for Camels, they spit!

And that’s not the least of it!

He looks so adoring and eager to please

Just sitting there on his knees!

A fighting man, a guard on the watch,

Caught the spray right in his…ear

But he could not bury the Princess’ Dromedary

So he went and had himself a cold beer.

(Chorus)

He said, “I went up there to pay my respects

And had no idea of it’s sex

But that animal’s spray has hit my *hey-hey-hey*!

This is more than special effects!

(Chorus)

Charric Van der Vliet

Candlemas, AS 32